I Came Here Looking For A Fight

I leaned out of my bedroom window as I smoked, smiling slightly as the cool night air blew my hair out of my face, nipping at my bare shoulders. I mulled my plan over in my head, checking the time every so often as I waited for Maddie to get home from work. When it was five til the usual time she gets home, I decided to fix myself a line and inhale the white powder. Maddie walked in a few minutes later, and I gave her a big smile. "What?" She asked, slipping her shirt and jeans off, walking to our closet.
"Get dressed in something nice, we're going to a party." I filled her in vaguely on what I had planned for the evening and she changed into shorts and a loose sweater, tying her black boots up. Maddie shifted awkwardly from one leg to the other, and I knew she wanted a line but was too afraid to ask. Since she didn't do this often, I fixed her a small line, handing her a blue plastic straw, and she quickly inhaled and stepped back. She was cursing under her breath as she held her nose and squeezed her eyes shut tightly. I laughed and grabbed my black leather jacket, slipping it on over my muscle tee and sliding my feet into my black boots, not bothering to tie them up. I fixed my jean shorts before leading Maddie out of our shared bedroom, through the living room, and out of the house.
"Where is this party even at?" She asked, crossing her arms as she walked beside me. I didn't answer, I just continued to lead her in the general direction of the party, feeling the coke start to kick in as I walked. I heard the party before I saw it, walking down the streets that curved around the big houses. There were cars lining the sides of the street, mostly mustangs, and I recognized a few of them. "Bre, we really shouldn't do this." I tuned Maddie out, rolling my eyes at her and walking up the sidewalk and to the open front door.
"Come on, we don't have all night." I sighed, grabbing her arm and pulling her into the house with me. We went unnoticed for a while, until a few of the Soc guys pointed us out, causing a scene. I saw someone pushing through the crowd, and then I was face to face with Bob Sheldon and some bleach blonde Soc girl that I recognized from school.
"What are you two whores doing here?" Bob spit the words at us, and it would have hurt, if I hadn't been so fucking numb already. I smirked, taking a step towards him. I saw his eyes darken with rage, and I couldn't help but laugh at him. He reached up, slapping me across the face. It didn't even sting, and I felt a rush of adrenaline, causing me to laugh again. This time, Bob took a fistful of my hair, pulling my head back and tugging hard, causing me to fall to the floor. I was doubled over, only I was laughing, I couldn't seem to stop, and Bob just kept getting angrier. "I'll take care of her, everyone get back to the party." He grabbed me by the back of my jacket, dragging me outside and to the front yard. "You know what I want to know?" He asked, pushing me so that I was a few feet away from him.
"What's that?" I giggled, watching his face contort into a scowl as he stepped towards me and grabbed my hair in his hand again, pulling my head back. "Laugh at me again and see what happens." He spat, and I heard the familiar click of a blade, smiling to myself.
"We both know you don't have the balls to do that, Bobbie. You act all tough in front of your buddies," My eyes flicked over to the few guys that came out to see what Bob would do, along with Maddie. "But you really can't do it. You don't have the guts, Sheldon." I laughed again, feeling the blade press against my throat.
"You really think I won't?" Bob hissed in my ear, putting pressure on the blade as he slowly slid it across my neck. I felt warm blood trickle down my neck, but we both know the cut wasn't deep enough. I heard Maddie scream as Bob pushed me away. "Get the hell out of here, you crazy bitch." He spat, turning around and walking back inside with his friends.
"Bre! We need to get you to a hospital." Maddie was shaking as she came over to me, putting her hands on my cheeks. I shook her off, starting to walk back to the right side of town.
"I'm fine, don't worry about me." Blackness tinted the edge of my vision, and I knew that I wasn't okay. We were almost home when we ran into someone on the sidewalk, and I quickly recognized the red-orange hair that belonged to Kyle Brumley.
"Bre? Maddie?" Kyle asked, walking up to us. He had a smile on his face, but it quickly faded when he saw the blood on my neck. "What the hell happened to you?" Worry tinged his voice, and I shook my head, starting to feel dizzy. Maddie filled him in on my suicide mission that obviously failed, and he ran a hand through his hair, putting his other hand on my shoulder. "I'll take you home, get you all bandaged up, just so I know you're okay."
"I can make it home from here, you guys can go ahead." Maddie waved as she walked away, leaving me with Kyle.
We walked back to his house in silence, and I ran a hand through my hair as we walked through the front door. He led me to his bedroom, ignoring the questioning looks from his brothers. He ordered me to sit on the bed, and I did, but only because I was dizzy and tired. He got some stuff to clean my wound, murmuring under his breath about how I was stupid for going to that party, and how I should think about things and people before I try to get myself killed again. "How do you think I would have felt, Bre?" He asked, putting the supplies away after my wound was cleaned. "If I just found out that you were dead, because of a Soc? How do you think the gang would have felt?"
"I don't know. I just assumed no one would mind much." I shrugged, crawling backwards so that I was laying on my back. Kyle joined me, laying on his side next to me, wrapping his arm around my torso and pulling me close. He kissed my forehead, burying his face in my hair.
"That's not true, Bre. People love you. People care about you." He sighed, pulling the covers over us. "We'll talk in the morning, go to sleep, love." And I did just that.

xox Bre

It's gonna take me crackin' this mirror to finally be myself again

I stared at the reflection in the mirror, picking out my every flaw, cursing myself for being so fat and plain. I know I'm nothing special, and it's painfully obvious that everyone else feels the same way. I had begun standing in front of the mirror for about an hour every morning, finding new things to hate about myself. It was becoming a routine, but I could tell that Steve and Maddie were getting worried about me. I stared at my stomach and thighs, feeling myself start to get sick in disgust. I felt the stomach acid rising into my throat, and then I'm hunched over the toilet dry heaving. I had finally been able to only eat about one meal every three days, and even then I typically threw up what little food I had ingested. I was losing weight, sure, but not enough. Never enough. I needed to lose more, more, more. Always more.

I quietly shut the door, taking a small bag out of my pocket, and a small mirror out from under the sink. I fixed myself a line, rolling up a twenty and inhaling the white powder. I closed my eyes, squeezing my nose shut and leaning back against the door. I stayed that way for a few minutes, opening my eyes and looking at myself in the mirror. My pupils were blown wide, and I smirked to myself. I cleaned up the mess I had made and took one final look in the mirror.

I turned away from the mirror, pulling a tank top on and walking into the room I share with my twin sister, Maddie. She was sitting criss-crossed on her bed, facing away from me, and it appeared that she was looking at something in her hands. "Maddie?" I called quietly, my voice was shaky, but she didn't seem to notice. She turned to face me, smiling warmly. "Yeah, what is it Bre?" I looked down at my feet, feeling a little dizzy. "I'm going out, I'll see you later, okay?" I said slowly, making eye contact with her. She nodded, and I could tell she was trying not to show how worried she was. "I'll see you later. Be careful. I love you." She gave me a small smile, and I returned it with a forced smile of my own.

I left the house, unsure of where exactly I was going. Somehow I ended up in front of the Brumley household, then the next thing I know I'm knocking on the door and it's being opened. I looked up at Kyle, giving him a small smile, which he returned with a nod before letting me into the small home. I looked around the living room, noticing the empty bottles and full ashtrays on the coffee table. I slowly walked through the house, and Kyle followed closely behind me. I made my way to his room and stopped at the foot of his bed. Suddenly he was behind me, his breath on my neck and his hands on my hips. "What do you want, Bre?" His voice was low, and I felt his fingers make their way under the hem of my shirt. I leaned into him, smiling and closing my eyes. "I think you know exactly what I want."

He trailed kisses down my neck, nipping lightly at the skin as he pulled the strap of my top down my arm. He kissed along my shoulder, looking up at me. I turned so I was facing him, hooking my finger in the waistline of his jeans. I pulled him close and kissed him, biting hard on his lip. We made our way onto the bed as I reached the peak of my high. When we were finished he fixed me another line which I gladly inhaled, smiling over at Kyle. He did a line and we laid in his bed for a little while longer before I decided it was time for me to go home.

He walked me to the door and I kissed him goodbye, his red-orange hair tickling my cheek. I walked out into the warm summer air, grateful that I was still under the influence. I stared up at the stars as I walked, slowly but surely making my way to Bucks place. The bar was packed full of people, some of which I recognized, some of which I didn't. I saw members of the gang, but chose not the talk to them, I don't want to be a bother. Audrey was there with Hunter, but neither she nor Owen are worth getting upset over, so I took a seat at the bar.

I watched the people interacting with one another, and I don't know who I felt more sorry for. Them, or myself. They had each other, sure, but as I've noticed lately, all anyone does is hurt the people they care about. Since I'm bad I'm making friends, I typically just lone it, but I guess that doesn't save me from pain, either. All I know is people fucking suck. You can't trust them. People are selfish, they do things that they know are going to benefit them in some way, otherwise you're on your own. I looked away from them as I felt myself start to get dizzy, turning my attention to the bartender.

Leo was working hard, and it took him a while to notice that I had sat down. "Well look at what we have here," He smiled, standing in front of me. "Do you want anything to drink?" I thought about it for a few seconds, and decided on a shot of whiskey. He fixed it and handed it to me; I downed it immediately and smiled at the familiar sting. "Thanks, I needed that." I smiled, putting my head in my hands to stop the room from spinning. I had been dizzy all day, and I'm sure the cocaine and liquor weren't doing any good. I stood up, hoping that would help, but I was wrong. It only made things worse, and I reached out to grab the bar to steady myself. "Hey, are you okay?" I heard Leo ask, but I couldn't respond. I could barely hear him, there was a roaring in my ears, and my vision was going in and out. I felt my heart beating out of my chest, my palms were starting to sweat, and I could barely breath. I looked up, seeing Owen walk into the building and then Leo was standing in front of me, blocking my vision. That was when everything went dark, and I felt myself hit the ground.

You Don't Love Me, Big Fucking Deal, I'll Never Tell You How I Feel

I woke up with a headache and hardly enough energy to make it to the bathroom. My bruises from the rumble were just starting to heal, along with some other bruises I'd rather not discuss. With all of the drama that's been going on lately, it's been easier to skip meals. No one has really noticed either, not even Owen. I rubbed my eyes as I walked into the bathroom, quickly shutting the door and going through my morning routine. Once I got out of the shower I stood in front of the mirror, running my fingers along my stomach and thighs. I pinched some skin between my index finger and thumb, making a disgusted face. That's when the door opened, and in waltzed Steve. Good thing I was in my bra and jeans.

"When did you get so thin, Bre?" Steve asked, grabbing his hair product and a comb. "You should eat something." He teased, walking back out of the bathroom and shutting the door behind him. Little did he know how hard it was for me to just eat something. I pulled on a shirt and fixed my hair and make up before leaving to go waste the day, as usual.

I smoked a cigarette on the way to the Bucks, practicing my smoke circles. Luckily I made it there in one piece, and I casually took my place at the bar. Buck smiled at me, handing me my usual - Jack and coke. I took a few sips, putting my head in my hands and making small talk with Buck. I did that for a few hours, until I got bored and walked down to the DX. Soda and Steve were goofing off, as usual.

"What are you bums up to?" I called to them as I walked up, taking a seat on the hood of one of the cars they were working on. I pulled my legs to my chest, resting my chin on my knees as I watched the two of them work.

"We're doing our job. You should really think about getting one." Steve mumbled, pointing a wrench at me. I smiled and rolled my eyes, proudly presenting my middle finger to him.

I talked to them for a while, until it was time for them to get off of work, and then I rode over to the Curtis house with them. Everyone was already there, or mostly everyone. A few people were MIA, but the living room was mostly full of smiling, familiar faces. I sat next to Dawn, gossiping with her and discussing the Brumley boys. Everyone was laughing and having a good time, and I actually felt like I belonged, without being fucked up.

They all ate dinner, and I sat to the side, claiming to not be hungry. At this point I didn't even notice the hunger pains, I was so used to them. Now they were just a dull ache in the pit of my stomach, and typically a cigarette would ease the pain. So I went outside to smoke, coming back in when everyone was done eating. I took my seat next to Dawn again, continuing our conversation from earlier.

Around 9:00 I heard the front door slam and I looked up, watching Owen stroll into the room. I quickly acted like I was deep into conversation with Dawn. That's about the time Owen walked up and asked if he could steal me away. Dawn nodded and I stood up, walking back outside with Owen. Within a matter of seconds his lips were against mine and his hand was trailing up my thigh, his fingers slowly pushing my dress up. "We should go back to your place." I breathed, looking up at him. He nodded and we quickly made our way to his house and up to his room. Clothes were shed, and we did what we do best.

After we were done, Owen fell asleep and I got up, pacing around his room. I went to the window, pushing it up with the heels of my hands, pulling a cigarette out of my purse and quickly lighting it. I inhaled, feeling myself relax. I exhaled, putting my head in my hands and closing my eyes. I finished my cigarette, smoking a few more as I sat there and watched Owen sleep. It's no secret that he's gorgeous, his reputation with girls even proves that. I knew that this didn't mean anything to him, we were simply two friends that also happened to fuck each other on the daily. I could never tell him how much I actually enjoyed spending time with him. I know he's in love with someone else, but it's still nice to feel appreciated. Even though I'm not good enough, it's nice to sometimes pretend like I am. So I put my clothes back on and left, because that's the kind of stuff that made him want me. And I definitely want him to want me.

Stick Another Pill In My Head, And Go To Bed

Things have been pretty rocky at the Randle-Parker home. With Steve's mom being sick and all, and his dad getting on his back about work and school. I decided to help out and get a job down at The Dingo, working full time since I dropped out of school around the same time as Soda. Steve and his parents told me how grateful they were that I was helping them out. Honestly, it's the least I could do since they took me in all those years ago.
After a long day of working I checked my schedule, grabbed my jacket, and left. "Have a nice night, Breanna!" My manager, Anne, called after me. I turned and smiled, waving back to her.
"You, too." I called, running to my car and hopping in. I really didn't know where to go, then I remembered that Dawn was hanging out with the Brumleys the other night, and I had known them forever. I drove out to BFE, parking in their driveway and walking up to the front door, knocking a few times.
I expected Caleb to answer, he was always the more cautious one, hence why he had a gun. But it wasn't Caleb, it was Kyle, the second oldest brother. He smiled, opening the door wide and motioning for me to come in.
"Don't worry guys, it's just little Breanna." He called to his brothers, who walked into the room with smiles on their faces. They all asked how I had been, giving me hugs, and noting that I had gotten a lot skinnier since the last time they saw me. I looked back at Kyle, who was sitting on the arm of the couch, watching us with a small smile on his face. I always wondered why Caleb and Austin both had jet black hair, while Kyle was a ginger and Andrew's hair was brown.
"So, what brings you here, Bre?" Kyle asked, standing up and walking over to me, throwing his arm around my shoulders.
 "Yeah, don't you know what just went down a week ago?" Caleb asked, giving me a confused look. I nodded, looking up at all of them.
"Yeah, I know, but that doesn't concern me. Plus, I've known you boys my whole life, you're some of my best friends. I obviously came over here to get fucked up." I smiled, causing the four of them to smile and laugh.
"You've come to the right place then, angel." Kyle smiled, dropping his arm from my shoulders and walking back to his room with his brothers. I sat on the couch and waited for them to come back, noticing that their hands were full of different kinds of drugs once they did come back. They set the drugs out on the table, and I noticed pot, pills, coke, X, and some clean needles. I looked up at them, biting my lip and scooting over so that Kyle and Andrew could sit on either side of me.
"What do you wanna do, Bren?" Andrew asked, and somehow the four of them convinced me to do coke. I'd done it before, but I wasn't trying to get addicted to it or anything. I really don't remember much of what happened, except that Kyle and I were half-naked in his bed and that's when I freaked out. I got up and ran out of the room, going to the kitchen and grabbing the phone. I dialed the first person I could think of that I knew wouldn't be fucked up.
"Hello?" Answered a groggy voice, and I immediately felt bad for waking him up.
"Yeah, Soda?" I asked, looking up when Kyle walked into the room, handing me my clothes. I took them with a smile, and he leaned against the wall next to me.
"Yeah, Bre, it's me, what's up?" He asked, I could hear a tinge of worry in his voice. Soda and I had been friends for as long as he and Steve had been friends. We were all in the same grade, too, but Soda and I dropped out together. He had always been a close friend, especially with him and Steve being butt buddies and all.
"I need you to come get me." I said quietly, hoping he would agree to do it. There was no way I could drive all coked up. I heard him sigh, and then the rustle of sheets and I knew he was going to come get me.
"Where are you, exactly?" He asked, his voice still a little groggy. I took a deep breath, looking over at Kyle and frowning slightly.
"The Brumleys." I answered, knowing his immediate reaction would probably be anger. No one really liked the Brumleys, and I could see why.
"I'll be right there." He replied, and then I heard the dial tone. I hung up the phone, looking over at Kyle who sighed and ran a hand through his hair.
"I'm sorry, Bren. I didn't mean for that to happen, you know." Kyle said quietly, looking down at the floor. I was probably one of the only people to see this side of him, the soft side. I reached for his hand, lacing our fingers together and gently squeezing.
"It's okay, I forgive you." I smiled, leading him to the living room so I could wait for Soda. Kyle pulled me down onto the couch with him, letting go of my hand and turning on the TV. We sat there like we used to, back when we were young. Kyle was probably my best guy friend, and it had always been that way.
"Before I forget, here." He said quickly, reaching into his pocket and pulling out two pills. "Take these when you wanna go to sleep, they'll bring you down from the coke high just enough so that you can crash." He set them in my hand, and I curled my fingers up around them, smiling.
"Thank you." I nodded, slipping them into my pocket and standing up. I noticed Soda's car in the driveway and looked down at Kyle. "Looks like it's time for me to go."
Kyle nodded and stood up, walking me to the front door and holding it open for me. "Goodnight, Bre." He smiled, kissing the top of my head before watching me walk out to Soda's car and get in the passenger side.
The whole ride home I had to answer Soda's ridiculous questions about why I was there, and why I thought it was a good idea, and what would Steve have done if something happened to me. I smiled at how silly Soda was and waved to him as I got out of the car, thanking him almost a million times.
The lights were off inside, so I went straight to my room without any questions. I pulled the pills out of my pocket, popping them in my mouth and laying down on my bed, grateful for my two best guy friends. I don't know what I'd do without them.

xoxo, Bren.

The Fault In Our Stars

One of my favorite things in the world is late nights at Buck's. Where everyone's fucked up and we're all dancing and laughing and having a good time and for several hours we're all happy. Then we go home to our empty beds and we're being woken up by alarms at ungodly hours of the morning with hangovers and that's the part that really sucks. When life hits you in the face and tells you to get back to your nine to five, and your school work, and all of the other bullshit that they have us doing. This isn't living, what we're doing. It's surviving, at the most.

Most of us come home from a long hard day at work, or a stressful day at school, and we collapse on our bed and we fall apart. We're all walking around with these broken things inside of us, and we don't know how to fix ourselves. So most of us resort to drugs, or alcohol, or sex with random strangers, or starving ourselves, or cutting. We're all addicted to something that takes away the pain.

Even I'm guilty of this. I'm addicted to many things, like good times with good friends, and the feeling I get when I haven't eaten in a few days, and the rush I get when I do something illegal, and the high the drugs give me. At least I admit it. But that doesn't mean a damn thing if I keep doing all of the bad stuff. It doesn't mean a damn thing if I'm doing lines off of the bar at Buck's, and it doesn't mean a damn thing if I'm rolling up joints in the back of the DX when I visit Soda and Steve, or when I'm drinking Jack Daniel's at seven in the morning because I have nothing better to do and I can't stand the thought of another fucking day.

"Bre, you comin' or what?" Steve asked, snapping his fingers in front of my face to get my attention. I nodded, grabbing my purse and following him out of the front door and out to his car. We drove to Buck's, where most of the gang already was. I followed Steve inside where he met up with Soda and Dallas. I stayed by the bar, watching everyone else. I always felt so god damn awkward around everyone, like I don't belong, like they don't really accept me or something.

I'm just Steve's little cousin. A little tag-along that follows him around because I don't really have any other friends. But the drugs are my friends, and that's who I like to spend time with. So I got up and walked to the bathroom, taking a joint out of my purse and lighting it up. I smoked for a bit before I popped some X and went back down to where everyone else was.

The drugs would put me in a good enough mood that I could actually socialize without feeling too obnoxious. I danced with Steve and Soda, and we laughed and had a good time. Soda and I were pretty good friends, being the same age and dropping out together. He was always easy to talk to. Steve knew I was fucked up and I knew he didn't like it, but I couldn't bring myself to care about what he thought. I danced with people I didn't know and I tried new drugs, and I was having fun. I was living.

I sat down and people watched, smiling at how good I felt, and smiling at how happy everyone was, and smiling at the fact that this was real and it was happening. Everyone was there, Blair and Audrey, and the Curtis's and Dal and Jelly, and the Cade's, and the whole gang was there having a good time. And even if I couldn't call myself part of the "family", it was still amazing to see so many people that love and care about each other so much. 

I talked to Jelly and Dawn for a bit, ordering plenty of drinks and keeping myself at the peak of my high for as long as I could. I couldn't let this feeling go. I felt too good, too free. The drugs were the only reason I had friends, the only reason I wasn't still sitting at the bar like a loner. I needed the drugs, and the booze. I needed them to make my life bearable for one more night. Just one more night before I went back home to my empty bed and woke up to an alarm at some ungodly time in the morning.

xo Bre